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Boyfriends Who Hit

Almost all of the fairy tales we are taught to love as little girls set us up for heartbreak. In these fairy tales, the beautiful princesses are helplessly caught up in some tragedy and can not escape. They are doomed to their plight until the prince comes along to rescue them. And so, we learn from a very early age, as early as 3 and 4 years old that the most important thing is to be beautiful so that one day our prince will come. Our prince will come and rescue us and we will live happily ever after.

Sadly, our future prince, our knight on a white horse who is suppose to come and rescue us was raised with a whole different set of stories and make believe. They are lead to believe that they will be the king of the hill, the lord and master of all that exists.

Then, as they grow up, they discover that access to power, wealth and opportunity is limited and often excludes them. Ego, anger and now even rage get in the way.

The fairy tales, rules and stories we are exposed to as small children will determine what we expect from our lives and the people around us. So, if we expect to be rescued then we delay taking control of ourselves and our lives because we have been taught that our prince will do that for us. Our prince will take care of everything. Of course, our prince is kind and loving and handsome and rich beyond our wildest dreams. Our prince never has a hangover, or grease under his fingernails from working on the car or never gets mad and yells and who treats us like the princesses we are. We, princesses, never have a bad hair day or one extra ounce of fat anywhere on our body or a broken fingernail. Yea right!!

So what goes wrong? Why does our picture of reality and how things “should” be turn out to be so different from how things really are? Sociologists and psychologists spend lifetimes looking for the answers. The answers are many and the answers are complicated. Just as we humans are many and we are complicated. There seems to be growing evidence that our belief in God has something to do with it. Not so much that we do or do not believe in God.. But rather whether we believe in a loving God who is there to love and support us versus one who awaits to condemn us and shower his fire and wrath upon us for our sins. We all live by rules. Rules are part of the fabric that holds society together. Some rules are fair and bend and flex with time according to the needs of the people these rules affect. But some rules are harsh and ridged, cruel and destructive to the many for the benefit of the few. Research is showing that those of us who believe in a loving God live by rules that are fair and bend and flex with time. And those of us who have been exposed to the believe that we need to fear God and his wrath and repent for our sins or face eternal damnation gravitate to the rules that are ridged and harsh. Research is showing that the more intense our exposure to the belief that we need to live in fear of God, the more ridged we are in our view of how things “should” be.

So, again what goes wrong? When we look at our partner and the pictures don’t match, what is our response? Do we stop and take a minute to look at our beliefs of how things should be and see that they don’t hold up to reality? Do we ever consider that maybe some of our beliefs are based on fairy tales and that we need to reconsider some of our beliefs? No, at a subconscious level, we start pushing and prodding our partners to change. We push and prod them to make them become more like the picture we have in our head of how our prince or princess should be.

Research shows that if we believe in a loving God, we will “gently” push and prod our partners to change to make them match our internal subconscious pictures. Sadly, if we believe in a vengeful, condemning God, our push and prodding can be rough, harsh and even violent. Violent to the point of punishing our partners with insults, emotional and mental abuse, hitting, kicking, slapping, shoving, sexual violence, rape and even murder.

A recent survey done by CBS news found that 69% of sexually active teens under 14 have been in or are in an abusive relationship. 40% know of someone who is in an abusive relationship.

So, what can you personally do about it? Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about what is or is not a healthy relationship. www.LoveIsRespect.org Expect respect in the relationship. If there is little respect or none at all, know that, that is one of the first signs of pending abuse. Talk to your partner. Maybe he or she just doesn’t know and is open to learning what a healthy relationship consists of. If you get lots of resistance, it’s time to move on. Staying in an abusive relationship is being disrespectful to yourself. Respect yourself so others will also respect you. You teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself.